


Casual Conversation

by bwee



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, also mentions of suicide but nothing graphic and it's of an unnamed character, hansol is only mentioned, it's past docheol rip, jicheol but as pals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-06-03 21:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6627178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bwee/pseuds/bwee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jihoon and Seungcheol have a little chat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“I feel creepy. Like I’m doing something wrong,” Jihoon confesses. He and Seungcheol are sitting in Seungcheol’s car. Seungcheol takes a swig of the coke he just bought from the dollar store.

“Why, exactly?” he asks, eyebrows furrowed.

“I don’t know. Because he’s younger than me?” Jihoon shrugs. _Also because he’s a boy._ He thinks to himself. As if being older than the kid wasn't already bad enough, he knew people would think he was a predator just because they were both boys.

“As if that actually matters,” Seungcheol chuckles. Jihoon shoots him a half-hearted glare.

“It does matter though! He’s my dongsaeng, I’m supposed to, like, take care of him and protect him or whatever. I feel like I’m betraying his trust,” Jihoon slumps into his seat, as if he’s trying to make himself disappear.

“What, by liking him?”

“Yeah.”

“Jihoon, you’re a fucking idiot.”

“Okay,” Jihoon lets out a deep sigh “That’s fair.”

“Look. Hansol doesn’t even take the whole hyung/dongsaeng thing that seriously to begin with. He just keeps it up to appease us. Also he’s only two years younger than you. It’s really not a big deal. It’s totally fine.”

“If it was fine, why would I feel so shitty about it?” Jihoon looks out the window at the people in the parking lot walking to their cars. He wonders if they can hear him. If they can, do they think he’s as gross as he feels?

“Because the last time you liked one of your friends, things got really fucked up,” Seungcheol says slowly. Jihoon visibly tenses next to him. “But this isn’t the same situation. You can’t let that hold you back.”

“You say that like I have a fucking choice,” Jihoon laughs but there’s no humor in it.

“You’re being too hard on yourself Jihoonie. You’re always too hard on yourself,” Jihoon rolls his eyes.

“You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about Seungcheol. Shut up,” Jihoon snarls.

“It’s not your fault, Ji. She didn’t die because of you,” Seungcheol says the last sentence so quietly, Jihoon almost wants to pretend he didn’t hear him.

“Fuck you. We’re not talking about this anymore. It’s over. I’ll never tell Hansol how I feel. He doesn’t need to know. I can suffer by myself, I’m good at that.”

“You know, you have to deal with this at some point.”

“Maybe. Or maybe I could not fuck Hansol up. Keep it to myself. Keep him alive. Let him live a happy life,” Jihoon really doesn’t want to keep talking about this. He doesn’t want to remember the last time he gave his heart away to someone. How she destroyed herself because of it. He can’t go through that again. He’ll keep his feelings to himself and never hurt another person he cares for. The only person he has the right to hurt is himself, after all. He’s learned his lesson.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this somehow got more depressing
> 
> (also this takes place a few months after the first chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is some sort of non-idol au but jihoon still writes songs bc i really can't picture him doing anything else lol

“What do you think love is?” Jihoon turns to look at Seungcheol.

“Uh,” Seungcheol starts “one time this girl asked if she could rim me and I said no and she cried... It was really touching. Really moved my heart.”

Jihoon screws his face up in disgust. “God, what the fuck Cheol? That's what you think love is?”

“Nah,” Seungcheol lets out a deep laugh. “it's a funny story though.”

“Can you fucking be serious for one second? I'm having a crisis,” Jihoon has half a mind to punch Seungcheol in the face. He lets out a deep sigh instead. “How did you feel when you were with Doyoon?”

The smile on Seungcheol's face drops immediately and Jihoon feels a twinge of guilt pull at his gut. “...I was really happy. Whenever I was with him I was so happy. No, even when I wasn't with him. If we were just texting or whatever, I found myself smiling and giggling like a 15 year-old. I must have looked really stupid to everyone else but I didn't care. I didn't even know I was doing it. I'd be in the middle of replying to him and suddenly I would notice I was laughing, that I felt incredibly light inside. Like maybe if someone sprinkled pixie dust on me I could fly. Sounds stupid now,” a small smile is playing on Seungcheol's lips, but Jihoon thinks it looks more bitter than anything else.

“Weren't you scared?” Jihoon squeaks. Seungcheol bites his lip.

“No. Not with him. Not ever. When he left... I really wasn't expecting it. It came out of nowhere. I never thought... I guess I was an idiot.” Seungcheol laughs bitterly. “I thought he was my soulmate.” Seungcheol's eyes start to fill with tears and Jihoon feels like punching himself in the face. He doesn't know what to say so he just takes Seungcheol's hand in his own and squeezes. Seungcheol's hands are so warm Jihoon can't stand to touch him for too long.

 _Even after having his heart broken, Seungcheol still radiates warmth, radiates life._ Jihoon thinks as he moves to the other side of the kitchen and pulls the sleeves of his sweater over his hands.

“Does love scare you?” he hears Seungcheol ask. Jihoon is silent for a long time before answering.

“I'm scared that no one will ever love me. That I'm too cold and too broken. That not everything can be fixed. God, I write all these songs about love and I don't know how I do it. It's such a joke, I've never been loved in my whole life. I don't have any fucking clue what I'm talking about.”

“Hey,” Seungcheol says softly, placing a hand on Jihoon's shoulder. Jihoon tenses. He didn't notice Seungcheol moving over to him. “I love you.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “You know what I fucking mean.”

“Ji-”

“I,” Jihoon takes a deep, shaky breath. “I'm so scared Seungcheol. I'm scared that no one will ever be able to see all of me, every fucked up little part and be able to love me. That someone will say they love me, act like they love me, but they really only love pieces of me. They'll love the parts they like, the ones that don't scare them and ignore the rest. I'm afraid I'll always feel like this. Alone.”

Jihoon is shaking and he doesn't know why he's unloading all this on Seungcheol in the kitchen of his shitty apartment at 3am but here he is. It's quite for a long time. Jihoon doesn't know what he was expecting. What could anyone say to that? When Seungcheol spins him around and hugs him tight enough to be near-suffocating, Jihoon is taken aback to say the least. When he feels Seungcheol shaking against him and hears his voice breaking as he whispers “I'm sorry” repetitively, Jihoon loses it. He isn't sure how long they stand there like that, holding onto to each other and sobbing, but he knows he's never cried harder in his life.

Eventually, when they've both settled down and stopped crying, they end up sitting on the kitchen floor, pressed up against each other, backs against the stove.

“Why were you apologizing?” Jihoon sniffles and leans his head on Seungcheol's shoulder.

“I just- You're such a good person Jihoon. I'm just sorry that you have to go through this, that you feel like this.”

Jihoon nods and swallows hard, trying to swallow all his feelings along with the lump that's formed in his throat. Seungcheol moves to sit in front of him, grabs both his hands.

“Ji, look at me,” and Jihoon does. “One day someone is going to love you. Someone is going to love you so much, with all their heart, and you won't even be able to remember feeling the way you're feeling right now. They'll see all of you, even the parts you don't like, the parts you call broken and think are wrong, and they'll love those parts too. They'll love every part of you because they're part of you, and nothing that's a part of you can ever be wrong or fucked up or bad. You'll find that person Jihoon, and they'll never leave you. I know you will. No one deserves that more than you do and I know you'll get it. A happily ever after like in a fairy tail. The kind of shit people don't believe in anymore.”

Jihoon thought he was all cried out but he was very, very wrong. He wants to thank Seungcheol but he can't get his voice to work, all that comes out is a wail. He knows he has snot all over his face and he knows he looks disgusting. He also knows that Seungcheol doesn't care and he loves him for that. He loves him for being here, for being his best friend, for letting him cry on his kitchen floor like this, for saying what Jihoon thought he would never hear.

Seungcheol is crying too but he's smiling at the same time and he looks so fucking stupid Jihoon can't help but laugh. Except he's still sobbing so it sounds more like he's choking. Maybe he is choking. Everything is such a mess in Jihoon's head he can hardly tell anymore.

 

* * *

 

Jihoon wakes up with a sore throat and puffy eyes the next morning, laying on the couch in seungcheol's living room. He makes coffee and wakes Seungcheol up to share it.

They sit across from each other at the “dining room table” that was more like a nightstand with too plasctic chairs at opposite ends silently, sipping at their coffee. It takes everything Jihoon has to work up the courage to speak.

“I have to tell him, don't I?” he says with a raspy voice, from crying or from sleep Jihoon can't be sure.

“It's the right thing to do,” Seungcheol smiles gently at him. Jihoon nods slowly, takes another sip of coffee.

“I don't think I'm ready.”

“You're never going to be ready.”

Jihoon closes his eyes and exhales slowly through his nose. He would have to rip the band-aid off at some point. He knew this from the beginning. But he doesn't know the nature of the wound the band-aid is covering. He knows it's open but he doesn't know if it's festering, infected. If it's big enough that all the bad things in him will crawl out of it and destroy his whole world. When he reveals it, let's the fresh air touch it, will he be able to cover it again?

 


	3. Chapter 3

“You like shit,” Seungcheol says softly.

“Feel like shit,” Jihoon responds, he tries to pull the covers back up over his head but Seungcheol's grip on them is unrelenting.

“Yeah,” Seungcheol moves to climb into Jihoon's bed with him and he scoots over to make room. Seungcheol wraps his arms around him and Jihoon presses his face into his chest. “It's gonna be okay Ji.”

“I'm so stupid,” Jihoon whines, balling his hands into fists in Seungcheol's shirt. Seungcheol rubs soothing circles on Jihoon's back. “Of course he doesn't like me,” Jihoon's voice cracks and he groans loudly. “God, I'm not going to fucking cry again.”

“You can cry if you need to Hoonie, not like I'm going to tell anyone,” Jihoon shakes his head to the best of his ability in their current position.

“I shouldn't even be this upset. I-I should have known. An-and,” Jihoon takes a deep, shaky breath, clearly trying to fight off tears. Seungcheol moves his hand to stroke Jihoon's hair. “at least h- he's still alive. He doesn't hate me and he's still-” Jihoon breaks, letting out a sob. Seungcheol closes his eyes and tightens his grip on Jihoon.

“You have to stop doing this to yourself,” He says. “You know it's not your-”

“It _is_ my fault Seungcheol! It fucking is so shut up!” Jihoon shoves Seungcheol away. “There's something wrong with me Seungcheol! Every time I love someone I just end up fucking them up,” he sits up and starts wiping tears furiously off his cheeks, his hands shaking. “Or I fuck myself up. It's- I-,” Jihoon lets out a strangled noise from his throat and drops his head into his still shaking hands, sobs wracking his body.

“It's going to be okay,” Seungcheol whispers repeatedly, he doesn't know what else to do.

After a long time, Jihoon takes a deep breath, than several more, hiccuping, trying to calm himself down. He looks up at Seungcheol, then moves his eyes to look past him into the darkness of his room.

“Hansol's going to be okay,” Jihoon whispers. Seungcheol nods in confirmation. “He's going to be okay. I didn't tell him.”

“What?”

“I didn't tell him. About my feelings. Didn't have to. He curved me before I even got there,” Jihoon flops back on the bed, visibly exhausted. Seungcheol doesn't move to lay next to him.

“What are you talking about?” he looks down at Jihoon's puffy tear-stained face.

“I'm just going to get over it. For real this time. He isn't interested. All that suffering for nothing. Anti-climatic isn't it?” Jihoon huffs a laugh.

“Could you maybe explain what you mean when you say he curved you?”

“I don't want to talk about it, too tired. Anyway I think I'm already over him. Probably.” Jihoon yawns.

“Uh, are you sure you aren't just like, disassociating or something?” Seungcheol asks as delicately as he can.

“I mean... I was just sobbing for 20 minutes straight, Seungcheol. You think I know anything at this point?” Jihoon sighs. Seungcheol purses his lips and decides not to push the issue further. He lays down next to Jihoon, not touching him this time, and pulls the covers up around him.

“I'm sleeping over,” He says needlessly. Jihoon hums in response and turns to face the wall. Seungcheol stares at the ceiling in silence, not feeling quite tired enough to doze off.

“Hey Cheol,” Jihoon suddenly says “I'm going to be like this forever aren't I? Alone.”

“Don't be stupid,” Seungcheol snorts “you'll always have me.”

“God, that's even worse,” Jihoon replies and Seungcheol can almost hear him rolling his eyes. He turns and wraps his arms around Jihoon's torso, mostly to piss him off (and a little bit because he knows Jihoon likes to cuddle when he's tired).

“Good night Ji.” He whispers, placing a kiss to the top of Jihoon's head.

“Get the fuck off me.” Jihoon says, but they both know he doesn't mean it.

 


	4. Chapter 4

“You seem to be taking this pretty well,” Seungcheol plops down next to Jihoon who laughs bitterly and shrugs his shoulder in response.  
“Dude, I sat down in the shower this morning to sob for like 15 minutes. I wouldn't say I'm handling anything well. I'm just. Exhausted,” Jihoon runs a hand through his hair and sinks further into Seungcheol's couch. “Anyway, if I'm being totally honest here, I kind of expected this.”  
“Really?” Seungcheol quirks an eyebrow at him “Oh... when you said he curved you the other week, did you mean...?”  
“Yeah,” Jihoon sighs “I mean. It's not like I knew they were going to start. Dating. I just. Like, it's not exactly hard to miss. How into Seungkwan Hansol is. He looks at the kid like the world only keeps spinning because he's on it.”  
“I... uh. Sorry,” Seungcheol says awkwardly. Jihoon shakes his head.   
“Nothing to be sorry for, really,” Jihoon grimaces.  
“Right. Well, how are you feeling?” Seungcheol asks gingerly.  
“How am I feeling?” Jihoon forces a lackluster smile “I'm just fucking dandy.”  
“Jihoon...”  
“I'm,” Jihoons jaw clenches “feeling like a goddamn idiot, if you really must know.” Jihoon pulls his legs up onto the couch and hugs them tightly. “Like... I spent all this time agonizing over this. Over having feelings in the first place. And whether Hansol could ever possibly like me back. What to do if he actually did. God, Cheol, I'm so fucking stupid. I really... I thought he might, you know? He's always so sweet and supportive and I... I thought maybe I had a shot but. That's just how he is. To everyone. I wasn't special. I'm just his friend. Which is fine, just... it kind of sucks? I. Really shouldn't have let myself have feelings for him to begin with.”  
“You can't control your feelings Ji,” Seungcheol replies.  
“I could have tried. I did try. But after trying for months, when they still didn't go away I thought... Like, maybe I should feel this way. Maybe I was doing the right thing. Maybe I didn't have to be alone. I was perfectly okay, y'know, before. I had resigned myself to being alone and I was perfectly content with that plan. So why did I let him... I mean I... He made me not want to be alone anymore. And now I'm scared. That I have no choice. I'm back at square one. I had this all sorted, Seungcheol, and then I messed it all up. I wanted to be better... less crazy. For him. I wanted to make him happy.” Jihoon huffs a mirthless laugh “What a fucking joke. I can't even make myself happy.” he wipea furiously at his eyes as tears start spilling.  
“Ji...” Seungcheol wraps his arms around his friend. That's all it takes for Jihoon to start sobbing.  
“God. Fuck. I'm so,” Jihoon takes a gulping breath between sobs “I'm so fucking stupid. I'm going to be alone forever. No one's ever going to love me and I knew that all along and I really. I-I let myself think-” he brakes off into another miserable wail. “As if Hansol w-w-would ever. He's so g-good, Cheol. I. I.”  
“Shhh,” Seungcheol hugs Jihoon tighter. “Everything's going to be okay Jihoon.”  
“I just want him to be happy,” Jihoon speaks in the softest voice Seungcheol has ever heard. Seungcheol feels a tear slip down his own cheek as he holds onto Jihoon's shaking frame.  
“I want you to be happy Jihoonie,” he whispers “You will be. I promise. Even if it's not with Hansol, you'll be happy.” Jihoon nuzzles his face into Seungcheol's chest, embarrassed, as he inhales deeply in an attempt at calming himself down.   
“I don't need someone to be happy,” Jihoon says defiantly a few minutes later. “I can be happy on my own.”  
“Wanting someone to love you doesn't make you weak, you know?”  
“Fuck off.” Jihoon shoves Seungcheol away from him. He scowls at the floor. Seungcheol lest his head fall back onto the couch, heaving a heavy sigh as he stares at his ceiling. “Buy me ice cream,” Jihoon grumbles.  
“Okay,” Seungcheol complies easily. “The doctors recommend cherry jubilee to cure heartbreak.”  
“Uh-huh,” Jihoon rolls his eyes “and I'm sure that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it's your favorite flavor.”  
“Vanilla then?” Seungcheol chuckles.  
“Yeah asshole,” Jihoon replies, cracking a small smile. He finds himself thinking, once again, how thankful he was to have Seungcheol as his best friend. Seungcheol let him be as much of a mess as he needed to be and still loved him. For now, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this didn't have a happy ending??  
> lessons learned in this adventure: feelings suck so make sure your friends don't


End file.
